Well, we're 7 weeks into the season, and it's time to start looking towards the playoffs. This will hopefully be a recurring feature every month or so, for both the NFL and NHL. Maybe the MLB later. NBA? Fuck yourself.
Methodology: I pull teams from the top standings on nfl.com and say why each one has a shot at winning the Super Bowl, or in the case of most teams, make fun of them and say why not. Or not say why not. Or not even make fun of them. I might just type random words because the team bores me. I'll also use the space to judge them and their fans. Because that's what makes football worth following.
Not even going to bother sorting them.
First of all, I log onto nfl.com to do my (ahem) research, and there's Breaking News about Favre's ankle. A special tab above everything else for King Cockshot himself. You know what? Fuck the NFL. Bastards will just not leave that perverted fossil attention-whore fudgepacker alone...
Sorry, on with the actual "analysis".
New England Patriots
Holy shit, these fuckers again? This has to be the worst 5-1 team since the last time Denver did that. Can't say I put them as a Super Bowl lock, or even a playoff lock. It has to get tougher for them at some point, right?
Verdict: If everyone else gets ravaged by injuries, sure
New York Jets
Just wait for the implosion. It's coming.
Verdict: Nope.
Pittsburgh Steelers
James Harrison is a piece of shit. I don't have an opinion on his hit. I'd rather see this team (minus Polamalu) drive off the edge of a cliff than see them win again. Still.
Verdict: The favorites.
Atlanta Falcons
As crazy as it sounds, the rest of the NFC is so bad these guys might be the best. Not much else to say, other than their unis suck.
Verdict: Probably not, but let's go with "enh".
Baltimore Ravens
Plus side: They're probably the best team in the league when they play to their potential. Minus side: They haven't yet played to their potential, why start now?
Verdict: Definitely in the realm of possibility.
Tennessee Titans
Had to look them up to see they were a "top" team. No dice.
Verdict: No.
Houston Texans
You've got to be shitting me.
Verdict: Miss playoffs.
Indianapolis Colts
Peyton Manning is too good to blah blah blah blah penis.
Verdict: I guess. What hockey games are on in January?
Kansas City Chiefs
Hahhhhh no.
Verdict: Hahhhhh no.
New York Giants
Well, after they lose tonight, not so great.
Verdict: Dark horse, because every time a column like this is written, it includes the phrase "dark horse".
That's it, boys and girls. There are better teams than the ones above, but I got bored.
- Matt
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday Night Favresex
Brett Favre should get a restraining order against ESPN's announcers, at the rate they're blowing him.
Maybe they're just jealous he never sexted them. Wooooo.
Fire Norv.
- Matt
Maybe they're just jealous he never sexted them. Wooooo.
Fire Norv.
- Matt
Monday, October 4, 2010
Western Conference 2010-2011
I type this as Carolina somehow loses to a KHL team. Eesh.
Anaheim Ducks
Finish: 12th in West, 5th in Pacific
Why: Not to undermine the Ducks, but they are in a tough division. I can't see anyone sucking it up all year in this division, but I have to go with law of averages and assume this time it's Anaheim. They'll be in the hunt for a playoff spot all year, though.
Calgary Flames
Finish: 14th in West, 4th in Northwest
Why: They're counting on aging Kipruusoff and Iginla, and... Olli Jokinen again? Good thing the Oilers make them look good.
Chicago Blackhawks
Finish: 4th in West, 2nd in Central
Why: They sold their peripheral guys, mostly to Atlanta, but kept the core intact. Reminiscent of the Pens a few years ago, so I think they'll do just fine this season.
Colorado Avalanche
Finish: 6th in West, 2nd in Northwest
Why: Man, the Western Conference is so even in the middle seeds that I have no idea. Craig Anderson is awesome, Matt Duchesne is beast, and they have an all-around good squad. Don't see why they shouldn't make it into the postseason.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Finish: 13th in West, 5th in Central
Why: Too many games against very good teams. Unless Steve Mason repeats his rookie effort, he looks like the next Andrew Raycroft already.
Dallas Stars
Finish: 10th in West, 4th in Pacific
Why: No clue. Turco leaving is both good and bad. See Anaheim and Colorado.
Detroit Red Wings
Finish: 2nd in West, 1st in Central
Why: They're baaaaack. As long as Osgood plays as little as possible, Wings should win the dogfight with the Hawks for the division title. Basically, I'm banking on fewer injuries this season.
Edmonton Oilers
Finish: 15th in West, 5th in Northwest
Why: Vomit.
Los Angeles Kings
Finish: 9th in West, 3rd in Pacific
Why: Because despite being this year's chic pick for a Cup contender, they've done nothing to convince me they can become Western Conference elite. Young teams struggling with the weight of added expectations is a story known in every sport, and while I don't expect the Kings to roll over and die, I'm almost positive they miss the playoffs on the last day.
Minnesota Wild
Finish: 11th in West, 3rd in Northwest
Why: I think they're better than 4 other teams, and worse than 10. Not enough evidence to support this claim, other than they don't feel like a playoff team to me.
Nashville Predators
Finish: 7th in West, 3rd in Central
Why: I tried writing them off this season, but Shea Weber destroyed my car with a slapshot. Now I need a ride home.
Phoenix Coyotes
Finish: 5th in West, 2nd in Pacific
Why: I may have them too high here, because of Michalek's departure, but it's their system that really gives them strength. This is the one "middle mob" team I fully expect to reach the postseason, and will be very surprised if they don't. Add this to the list of things I thought I'd never say.
San Jose Sharks
Finish: 1st in West, 1st in Pacific, President's Trophy
Why: Come on. It's the Sharks. This is what they do. Loss of Blake will hurt, but we're talking regular season.
St. Louis Blues
Finish: 8th in West, 4th in Central
Why: Halak is definitely an upgrade in net, and the squad is essentially returning the same squad that finished strong last season. Should be an interesting fight with LA, Anaheim, and Dallas for that final spot.
Vancouver Canucks
Finish: 3rd in West, 1st in Northwest
Why: Like I said for the Sharks, this is the regular season. They'll have plenty of time to disappoint their fans in the postseason.
Unlike with the East, I'm almost convinced I'm way off base with these predictions. So please don't reference this in April (or December) and laugh.
- Matt
Anaheim Ducks
Finish: 12th in West, 5th in Pacific
Why: Not to undermine the Ducks, but they are in a tough division. I can't see anyone sucking it up all year in this division, but I have to go with law of averages and assume this time it's Anaheim. They'll be in the hunt for a playoff spot all year, though.
Calgary Flames
Finish: 14th in West, 4th in Northwest
Why: They're counting on aging Kipruusoff and Iginla, and... Olli Jokinen again? Good thing the Oilers make them look good.
Chicago Blackhawks
Finish: 4th in West, 2nd in Central
Why: They sold their peripheral guys, mostly to Atlanta, but kept the core intact. Reminiscent of the Pens a few years ago, so I think they'll do just fine this season.
Colorado Avalanche
Finish: 6th in West, 2nd in Northwest
Why: Man, the Western Conference is so even in the middle seeds that I have no idea. Craig Anderson is awesome, Matt Duchesne is beast, and they have an all-around good squad. Don't see why they shouldn't make it into the postseason.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Finish: 13th in West, 5th in Central
Why: Too many games against very good teams. Unless Steve Mason repeats his rookie effort, he looks like the next Andrew Raycroft already.
Dallas Stars
Finish: 10th in West, 4th in Pacific
Why: No clue. Turco leaving is both good and bad. See Anaheim and Colorado.
Detroit Red Wings
Finish: 2nd in West, 1st in Central
Why: They're baaaaack. As long as Osgood plays as little as possible, Wings should win the dogfight with the Hawks for the division title. Basically, I'm banking on fewer injuries this season.
Edmonton Oilers
Finish: 15th in West, 5th in Northwest
Why: Vomit.
Los Angeles Kings
Finish: 9th in West, 3rd in Pacific
Why: Because despite being this year's chic pick for a Cup contender, they've done nothing to convince me they can become Western Conference elite. Young teams struggling with the weight of added expectations is a story known in every sport, and while I don't expect the Kings to roll over and die, I'm almost positive they miss the playoffs on the last day.
Minnesota Wild
Finish: 11th in West, 3rd in Northwest
Why: I think they're better than 4 other teams, and worse than 10. Not enough evidence to support this claim, other than they don't feel like a playoff team to me.
Nashville Predators
Finish: 7th in West, 3rd in Central
Why: I tried writing them off this season, but Shea Weber destroyed my car with a slapshot. Now I need a ride home.
Phoenix Coyotes
Finish: 5th in West, 2nd in Pacific
Why: I may have them too high here, because of Michalek's departure, but it's their system that really gives them strength. This is the one "middle mob" team I fully expect to reach the postseason, and will be very surprised if they don't. Add this to the list of things I thought I'd never say.
San Jose Sharks
Finish: 1st in West, 1st in Pacific, President's Trophy
Why: Come on. It's the Sharks. This is what they do. Loss of Blake will hurt, but we're talking regular season.
St. Louis Blues
Finish: 8th in West, 4th in Central
Why: Halak is definitely an upgrade in net, and the squad is essentially returning the same squad that finished strong last season. Should be an interesting fight with LA, Anaheim, and Dallas for that final spot.
Vancouver Canucks
Finish: 3rd in West, 1st in Northwest
Why: Like I said for the Sharks, this is the regular season. They'll have plenty of time to disappoint their fans in the postseason.
Unlike with the East, I'm almost convinced I'm way off base with these predictions. So please don't reference this in April (or December) and laugh.
- Matt
Friday, October 1, 2010
NHL Regular Season 10-11 Preview, East
Yup, my first real post in like 6 months. Given the asinine preseason power rankings by TSN.ca, I thought a similarly uninformed hockey fan could weigh in on the season as well. Here we go, alphabetically:
Atlanta Thrashhawks
Finish: 10th in East, 3rd in Southeast
Why: They have a mold of proven players that will separate them from the terrible, terrible bottom 5. They may contend for a playoff spot, but it all depends on G Chris Mason.
Boston Bruins
Finish: 3rd in East, 1st in Northeast
Why: Despite crazy injuries last season, still managed to come within a game (and epic collapse) away from the ECF. Between Rask and Thomas, they should be solid in goal. Their scoring is always problematic, but that won't hurt until the playoffs (again).
Buffalo Sabres
Finish: 6th in East, 2nd in Northeast
Why: Not sure what to make of this team, other than I'm reasonably sure there are 5 better teams in the Eastern Conference and 9 worse ones. If Ryan Miller has another stellar year, will probably be higher. I'm thinking playoffs for certain, division title less likely.
Also, huge props for getting rid of the Buffaslug. That alone should give them a game 1 win in a round of their choice.
Carolina Hurricanes
Finish: 12th in East, 4th in Southeast
Why: Because they're not a good team. Need I say more? I hate wasting space on Southeast teams.
Florida Panthers
Finish: 14th in East, 5th in Southeast
Why: Name 5 players on their roster. Can't do it, right? I got Vokoun and McCabe, and that's it. Why is there a hockey team in fucking Miami? If not for Streit's injury, these guys would be a shoo-in for the number 1 pick.
Montreal Canadiens
Finish: 11th in East, 4th in Northeast
Why: Carey Price is a significant downgrade from Jaroslav Halak. Can't see them squeaking into the playoff scene unless several other teams get decimated by injuries.
New Jersey Devils
Finish: 4th in East, 2nd in Atlantic
Why: Because every year you think "Brodeur is too old" or "they just don't have enough in the tank", they always exceed expectations and bring their BORING AS PAINT DRYING style of hockey into the playoffs, where they promptly lose in round 1 or 2. Fuck the Devils, man. I don't care how into them Patrick Warburton is.
New York Islanders
Finish: 15th in East, 5th in Atlantic
Why: They lost their two best players, including Streit for the year. They don't have a shot in hell of being competitive. They're like a bad version of last year's Tampa Bay, and Stamkos won the Rocket Richard trophy for fuck's sake. Tavares would have to put up a Crosby in 2006-esque performance to drag this team into the playoffs. Maybe even 14th place is out of the question.
New York Rangers
Finish: 9th in East, 4th in Atlantic
Why: Because Gaborik has yet to have a season-killing injury under the Rangers, and you know without him they're basically mud. Case in point: Ruslan Fedotenko looks like a good fit for them.
Ottawa Senators
Finish: 8th in East, 3rd in Northeast
Why: Despite shoddy goaltending, team still packs a punch in terms of grit and scoring. Gonchar will produce in his first year for them. This is a team that needs to win this year, or it likely never will (at least with the same core). The Caps might even beat them in the playoffs! Crazier things have happened.
Philadelphia Flyers
Finish: 5th in East, 3rd in Atlantic
Why: Because they have two injury-prone cardboard cutouts in net. Even with one of the best defensive corps in the league, that's still going to hurt them. And gambling on Zherdev is either a great payoff or a miserable failure in the works. Lastly, Simon Gagne will prove to be missed later in the season. His shorthanded threat is not to be underestimated.
Still, they're the reigning Eastern Conference champs, who I fully expect to see the Pens in the playoffs at some point.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Finish: 2nd in East, 1st in Atlantic
Why: Winger for Sid? Who cares, they finished 5th in scoring last season despite dressing Pascal Dupuis and a urinating dog as his two wingers for half the games. What Montreal exposed was a bad defense, containing slow players with poor positional play. So the Pens got Michalek, arguably the best defensive dman on the market, and Paul Martin, another strong dman. If Fleury returns to form this season, they are the clear playoff favorites in the East.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Finish: 7th in East, 2nd in Southeast
Why: Last season showed a lot of strong indications they were a year or two off from true competitiveness. Whether it's because Stamkos has matured greatly, or their d coming into its own (hopefully), Tampa Bay should be right in the mix for a playoff spot. They'll probably lock it up with 2-3 games left. Should be a fun team to watch this year.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Finish: 13th in East, 5th in Northeast
Why: Because it's the Leafs. They're paying Armstrong 3 mil a year. Giguere is their starting goalie. It just isn't happening.
Washington Capitals
Finish: 1st in East, 1st in Southeast
Why: Because despite losing a couple defensemen, this is the same team that won the President's Trophy last season. They have the skills to run away with the conference once again. The only potential downfall is the downgrade (yes Caps fans, downgrade) in net from Theodore to Varlamov/Neuvirth tandem. And if Alzner and the other dude (forgot his name for now) don't progress as quickly as DC hopes, Jurcina and Sloane will be missed. Overall though, I don't see anyone challenging them for the top spot in the East.
Western Conference preview when I feel like it. No playoff predictions now, that would just be stupid.
- Matt
Atlanta Thrashhawks
Finish: 10th in East, 3rd in Southeast
Why: They have a mold of proven players that will separate them from the terrible, terrible bottom 5. They may contend for a playoff spot, but it all depends on G Chris Mason.
Boston Bruins
Finish: 3rd in East, 1st in Northeast
Why: Despite crazy injuries last season, still managed to come within a game (and epic collapse) away from the ECF. Between Rask and Thomas, they should be solid in goal. Their scoring is always problematic, but that won't hurt until the playoffs (again).
Buffalo Sabres
Finish: 6th in East, 2nd in Northeast
Why: Not sure what to make of this team, other than I'm reasonably sure there are 5 better teams in the Eastern Conference and 9 worse ones. If Ryan Miller has another stellar year, will probably be higher. I'm thinking playoffs for certain, division title less likely.
Also, huge props for getting rid of the Buffaslug. That alone should give them a game 1 win in a round of their choice.
Carolina Hurricanes
Finish: 12th in East, 4th in Southeast
Why: Because they're not a good team. Need I say more? I hate wasting space on Southeast teams.
Florida Panthers
Finish: 14th in East, 5th in Southeast
Why: Name 5 players on their roster. Can't do it, right? I got Vokoun and McCabe, and that's it. Why is there a hockey team in fucking Miami? If not for Streit's injury, these guys would be a shoo-in for the number 1 pick.
Montreal Canadiens
Finish: 11th in East, 4th in Northeast
Why: Carey Price is a significant downgrade from Jaroslav Halak. Can't see them squeaking into the playoff scene unless several other teams get decimated by injuries.
New Jersey Devils
Finish: 4th in East, 2nd in Atlantic
Why: Because every year you think "Brodeur is too old" or "they just don't have enough in the tank", they always exceed expectations and bring their BORING AS PAINT DRYING style of hockey into the playoffs, where they promptly lose in round 1 or 2. Fuck the Devils, man. I don't care how into them Patrick Warburton is.
New York Islanders
Finish: 15th in East, 5th in Atlantic
Why: They lost their two best players, including Streit for the year. They don't have a shot in hell of being competitive. They're like a bad version of last year's Tampa Bay, and Stamkos won the Rocket Richard trophy for fuck's sake. Tavares would have to put up a Crosby in 2006-esque performance to drag this team into the playoffs. Maybe even 14th place is out of the question.
New York Rangers
Finish: 9th in East, 4th in Atlantic
Why: Because Gaborik has yet to have a season-killing injury under the Rangers, and you know without him they're basically mud. Case in point: Ruslan Fedotenko looks like a good fit for them.
Ottawa Senators
Finish: 8th in East, 3rd in Northeast
Why: Despite shoddy goaltending, team still packs a punch in terms of grit and scoring. Gonchar will produce in his first year for them. This is a team that needs to win this year, or it likely never will (at least with the same core). The Caps might even beat them in the playoffs! Crazier things have happened.
Philadelphia Flyers
Finish: 5th in East, 3rd in Atlantic
Why: Because they have two injury-prone cardboard cutouts in net. Even with one of the best defensive corps in the league, that's still going to hurt them. And gambling on Zherdev is either a great payoff or a miserable failure in the works. Lastly, Simon Gagne will prove to be missed later in the season. His shorthanded threat is not to be underestimated.
Still, they're the reigning Eastern Conference champs, who I fully expect to see the Pens in the playoffs at some point.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Finish: 2nd in East, 1st in Atlantic
Why: Winger for Sid? Who cares, they finished 5th in scoring last season despite dressing Pascal Dupuis and a urinating dog as his two wingers for half the games. What Montreal exposed was a bad defense, containing slow players with poor positional play. So the Pens got Michalek, arguably the best defensive dman on the market, and Paul Martin, another strong dman. If Fleury returns to form this season, they are the clear playoff favorites in the East.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Finish: 7th in East, 2nd in Southeast
Why: Last season showed a lot of strong indications they were a year or two off from true competitiveness. Whether it's because Stamkos has matured greatly, or their d coming into its own (hopefully), Tampa Bay should be right in the mix for a playoff spot. They'll probably lock it up with 2-3 games left. Should be a fun team to watch this year.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Finish: 13th in East, 5th in Northeast
Why: Because it's the Leafs. They're paying Armstrong 3 mil a year. Giguere is their starting goalie. It just isn't happening.
Washington Capitals
Finish: 1st in East, 1st in Southeast
Why: Because despite losing a couple defensemen, this is the same team that won the President's Trophy last season. They have the skills to run away with the conference once again. The only potential downfall is the downgrade (yes Caps fans, downgrade) in net from Theodore to Varlamov/Neuvirth tandem. And if Alzner and the other dude (forgot his name for now) don't progress as quickly as DC hopes, Jurcina and Sloane will be missed. Overall though, I don't see anyone challenging them for the top spot in the East.
Western Conference preview when I feel like it. No playoff predictions now, that would just be stupid.
- Matt
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