Douchebags! And they own sports teams!

Back in the day, a douchebag owner was a reason to rally more behind your team, support a radical, feel energized. Yawn. These days we have dudes older than the Mayflower acting like anyone still listens to them. Here's some advice: if you smell like Geritol, no one cares what you think. 

The top 10 douchiest owners were chosen and ranked on the Doucheometer, a scientifically proven method for determining how much of a douche the subject is. Only the four major sports were considered.

Guy Who Moved the Supersonics (NBA)

Doucheometer: 1/5

Rank: Douchelike

Reason: He moved the Sonics. What an ass move.

Jeffrey Loria (MLB, Marlins)

Doucheometer: 1/5

Rank: Douche

Reason: His penny-pinching tactics are legendary. Why try to fill stadium seats and appeal to fans when you can suck for a few years and win a world series every once in a while? Maybe he's a douche because it works.

Comcast-Spectator (NHL, Flyers. Oh, and 76ers but no one cares)

Doucheometer: 2/5

Rank: Quite Douche

Reason: They own the Flyers. And Comcast's coverage of sports blows.

Dan Rooney (NFL, Steelers)

Doucheometer: 2/5

Rank: Douchenozzle

Reason: He desperately wants to get the other shares of the team from his siblings... but he wants to rip them off in the process. That has to be a fun Thanksgiving dinner.

Ralph Wilson (NFL, Bills)

Doucheometer: 3/5

Rank: Unclefucker

Reason: He wants to sell the team so he doesn't have to pay taxes when he dies. So instead of letting his kids have any say, he wants to sell the team to whoever. Also, stadia named after owners is the Mark of the Douche.

Peter Angelos (MLB, Orioles)

Doucheometer: 3/5

Rank: Assmaster

Reason: Publicly undermining your manager/general manager, pursuing overpaid veterans while ignoring the youth movement, alienating fans by trying to block out Nationals fans, denying you're making all the wrong moves, etc. Douche enough for you?

Len Barrie and Oren Koules (NHL, Lightning)

Doucheometer: 4/5

Rank: Double the Douche

Reason: Promos for Saw V. Hiring Barry Melrose as coach. Pursuing a ton of forwards and trading your best defender. Forcing the GM out. Trading the second best defender to Philly for nothing in return. Being smug assholes the whole way. Why did people think the Lightning would be decent this year?

Al Davis (NFL, Raiders)

Doucheometer: 4/5

Rank: Uberdouche

Reason: This one explains itself. Just be a douche, baby!

Jerry Jones (NFL, Cowboys)

Doucheometer: 5/5

Rank: Ultimate Douche

Reason: Stalking the sidelines to "motivate" the coach is retarded. Never works, and undermines the coach's authority. Also, is more egotistical than Brett Favre. When you look older than Hugh Hefner, you shouldn't have more public exposure than him.

Finally... the moment you've all been waiting for. Highest rank of douche:

The Steinbrenners (MLB, Yankees)

Doucheometer: 5/5

Rank: Douche Prime

Reason: If you don't know why these guys are the biggest owner douches ever, clearly you don't pay much attention to sports.

- Matt

Immediate Counterpoint!

Felt like I could better express this in a regular post.

So the current 30-team format is mostly fine. I'd say Florida, Nashville, Phoenix and Atlanta can go. The Thrashers have potential, but I've seen none of their fans give me any reason to keep a team there. 

At any rate, I move Florida first, to somewhere safe like Hamilton. Atlanta can go to another Canadian city, meaning 7 teams would be in the northeast geographic region. I'd move Buffalo and Toronto to a more southern division, including the Rangers, Islanders, and Devils. Philly and Pittsburgh move into Washington's division, joining Tampa Bay and Carolina. No, I'm not just saying this so Pittsburgh wins more often. It would be some good rivalries, 4 more games for the Caps against rival teams.

Next, I move Phoenix to Las Vegas. They've been pining for a franchise in anything for a while. Note: Las Vegas is on the decline economically, so backup plan could be either a western Canadian city or some northern midwestern state. Nashville? Moves to Seattle. They need a team anyway.

I could go on, but whatever. This can't happen as long as Bettman is commish. He's obsessed with keeping Nashville for some reason.

- Matt

Hochuli approves. Bolts lose.

Time for my second recap of a Chargers game because, well, this is the second I've been able to watch. 

Bolts play the 6-4 Colts. Absolutely a must-win game or the season is effectively over. Not much to say about either team, should be a lot of passing yards.

I skip the pregame shows because they suck, and also The Transporter is on FX.

The first quarter is underway, and both teams exercise their punters. Hard to say if it's good defense or bad offense. At any rate, neither team is capable of getting a rushing attack going, so there are some mid-length completions offered to receivers of both teams. Vini-choke boots one for the first points of the game. The quarter ends with less scoring than the average soccer match, and a long completion by Rivers. Nothing else to say, 3-0 Colts.

The Chargers poop on themselves until they have to settle for a Kaeding kick to make it 3-3. The NBC announcing crew audio-fellates Jeff Saturday for being a fat guy. During the oral sex, Jammer plays the role of the awkward mother who walks in on the crew. Interception city.

At some point on the drive, Rivers beats LT's best rush of the game. Jesus. At least LT is getting positive yardage, mostly. 

Just as I'm thinking about how much I hate guys named "Norv", Rivers throws a pinpoint precision pass for a huge touchdown to Vincent Jackson. 10-3 Chargers, and some fat chick in Indianapolis eats an entire ham to console herself.

And look, I get it. You're gay, Rosie O'Donnell. But seriously? The commercial I just saw is gayer than Bravo. Here's an idea: why don't you try not promoting stereotypes so there's increased mainstream acceptance of gays being regular people, which they are. This is why things like Prop 8 get passed.

Speaking of gays, Manning throws an incomplete pass. Har dee har har.

Inside the two-minute warning, the Colts manage to get to the red zone. Then something happens which makes you appreciate good defensive coordinators: the Bolts fail to cover THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS THROWN TO ON 3RD DOWN. Colts tie it at 10, and the Chargers take over with the 2nd Q almost over.

0:34 is plenty of time to score, unless you're Norv Turner and shit all over yourself by not calling a time out after a run, burning another 15 seconds off the clock than necessary. Time runs out with the Bolts on Indy's 47. Gee, that 15 seconds would have been helpful, wouldn't it, Norv? Assface.

A great opening to the third quarter is stopped by Rivers getting crunched by some Indy jokes and losing the ball. So naturally the Colts drive the length of the field. Almost a huge goal-line stand, but Manning can only choke so much. Colts 17-10, ugh.

If you're looking for a consolation here, it's that the Chargers held the Colts pretty well for most of the red zone offense. Also, Indy burned two of their timeouts, something that can't be good for them. But in the end, they still got 7 points and the lead.

Another futile drive, and then an outrageous flop by Reggie Wayne draws pass interference. What a bitch. The little white ref seems to have money on Indy, as he calls another pass interference play on a defender who wasn't even near the play. Fuckhead (that's his name) calls a "makeup" false start against Indy. I hope he dies in a painful way. Still, Norv should be ripping the official a new asshole.

The result of the drive is 3 points for Indy, 20-10 lead now. Unbelievable.

A relatively boring, but long and productive touchdown drive puts the score at 20-17. The drive was basically all Rivers, which I guess is OK as long as the Chargers are behind. If they had to rely on LT getting first down after first down this game, I don't know how they'd do it.

Colts go three and out because of a major third down stop, and the Colts' punter kicks to Sproles, who can't get past the 13. LT has a good catch-and-run, including some out of bounds action. Chambers and Sproles decide to imitate and get big first downs as well. Drive ends disappointingly, with a tying kick by Kaeding.

Boy, that extra 3 at the end of the first half with good clock management would really come in handy here, Norv. At least you're angry.

The refs make another good attempt to screw the Chargers over by calling a pass that clearly falls short a first down, so the booth is on the case.

...The booth says no, and it's fourth and inches. The ref shows the size of his penis to Tony Dungy. Meanwhile, exhibit A of why the NFL is excruciatingly slow goes underway. Peyton Homo gets the first down anyway, ugh.

2 seconds left, Viniwhatever up to kick a 51 yard field goal. Good, 23-20. Game, Colts. Season, Chargers...

Would say more, but I'm just sick of this bullshit. The Chargers should absolutely be 6-5, not 4-7. Thanks for nothing, officials.

- Matt

A Farewell to Arm. Mussina Retires.

Reading ESPN today, came across this story.

Mussina is the first pitcher in over 40 years to retired after a 20-win season. The question of whether he's a HoF'er has been thrown around on ESPN. I voted "no", but then I remembered no one good has retired recently.

Where does Mussina fit in for the Orioles history? No denying he was a very skilled pitcher, and most certainly the best one the O's had during the 90's. 1997 was an amazing year for the dude, there's no denying that. And the reason he didn't stay was because Angelos refused to dish out the cash. Whether that was a good move or not is debatable.

So here's my proposition: Michael Mussina is actually the Orioles' Michael Jackson. Early in his career, he was really likable, produced on a high level, and was a big star. Then later, he was just another dude and not likable in the least. And they both probably molested children.

1997 was Moose's "Beat It". The music from Jackson during his skin peel phase was still quality, but not as good and honestly disgusting. You can continue with the comparisons as you see fit. 

In conclusion, there's "black" (and orange) Mussina, and "white" (and blue) Mussina. I prefer to think of them as different players, just like I do with MJ. But black Moose will always hold a special place with me, and for that I hope he enjoys his time off.

- Matt

Bond, James Bond

Sports post below. But in honor of the new Bond movie coming out tomorrow, I submit my James Bond Movie Power Rankings. To remind you all of the Bond movies that have come before it:

I bumped Die Another Day down a bit just because of the awful flying bullet effect during the intro. Ugh.

Below are the movies in reverse order of rank, along with their actor and IMDb rating. I would take all ratings with a large grain of salt. IMDb voters are usually retarded.

21. Moonraker (Roger Moore, 6.1)

20. Die Another Day (Pierce Brosnan, 6.0)

19. Tomorrow Never Dies (Brosnan, 6.4)

18. A View to a Kill (Moore, 6.1)

17. Octopussy (Moore, 6.5)

16. The Man with the Golden Gun (Moore, 6.6)

15. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (George Lazenby, 6.9)

14. The World Is Not Enough (Brosnan, 6.3)

13. The Spy Who Loved Me (Moore, 7.1)

12. The Living Daylights (Timothy Dalton, 6.7)

11. License To Kill (Dalton, 6.5)

10. Diamonds Are Forever (Sean Connery, 6.7)

9. For Your Eyes Only (Moore, 6.8)

8. Dr. No (Connery, 7.3)

7. Live and Let Die (Moore, 6.8)

6. You Only Live Twice (Connery, 7.0)

5. Casino Royale (Daniel Craig, 8.0)

4. Thunderball (Connery, 7.0)

3. Goldeneye (Brosnan, 7.1)

2. From Russia with Love (Connery, 7.5)

1. Goldfinger (Connery, 7.9)

A few notes:

• How does Moonraker have above a 6.0 rating? Vomit.
• 6 of my Top 10 feature Sean Connery as Bond. Hm, maybe he was the best.
• What the fuck were they thinking when they made Die Another Day? Were the previous two movies not awful enough?
• Roger Moore is incredibly fat in A View to a Kill. Unintentional comedy rating is very high in that movie, especially because Christopher Walken is the bad guy.
• On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a pretty decent movie. The only bad part of it was George Lazenby, who just shouldn't have been James Bond. And the inexplicable disguise he uses to infiltrate Blofeld's secret resort or whatever. OK, the movie wasn't that decent.
• Jaws is the worst Bond villain ever. Unbelievable.
• If you ever watch all of the movies, count the following things: number of girls Bond has sex with (either shown or referenced), number of movies with ski chase scene (hint: almost every Moore one), number of unintentionally racist moments, etc.

Feel free to argue these ranks with me in the comments section. I am a huge Bond enthusiast, and I love to talk about the movies. I'm cautiously optimistic about Quantum of Solace. My early prediction of ranking is 12.

- Matt

Why the Chargers Are OK

Enough with politics.

Recently I took a look at the remaining schedules for the Bolts and the only other team capable of winning the West, the Broncos. I determined that when the two teams meet in week 17, they will both be 8-7. Here's the breakdown:

Week 11 - SD (4-6) loses @ PIT, DEN (5-5) loses @ATL

Week 12 - SD (5-6) wins vs IND, DEN (6-5) wins vs OAK

Historically, the Chargers are good against Indy. And at home they've been good.

Week 13 - SD (6-6) wins vs ATL, DEN (6-6) loses @ NYJ

Again, good at home. ATL will run all over them, but it's all good.

Week 14 - SD (7-6) wins vs OAK, DEN (7-6) wins vs KC

Week 15 - SD (8-6) wins @ KC, DEN (7-7) loses @ CAR

Now things start looking great, except...

Week 16 - SD (8-7) loses @ TB, DEN (8-7) wins vs BUF

A tie that favors the Broncos in every way. Which brings us to:

Week 17 - SD (9-7) beats DEN (8-8). Worst division in the AFC, but at least they're playoff bound.

Even though I just incredibly jinxed the whole thing, I think that scenario is not only possible, it's probable. Plus, the Chargers can gain some nice momentum on their long homestand.

Also, give LT a few weeks off. You need a healthy LT, not just LT. It's not like you need a superstar to get 80 yards on 20+ attempts.

- Matt

Judgment Day

Election 08 Spreads

Yeah. We're playing pick 'em with all 50 states using the poll results of Saturday, November 1.

The way to pick is to say [winner] by [more/less]. A push is a push, just like in the NFL.

AL: McCain (-22) over Obama

AK: McCain (-18) over Obama

AZ: McCain (-4) over Obama

AR: McCain (-12) over Obama

CA: Obama (-22) over McCain

CO: Obama (-7) over McCain

CT: Obama (-25) over McCain

DE: Obama (-18) over McCain

DC: Obama (-69) over McCain (no, that's not a typo)

FL: Obama (-4) over McCain

GA: McCain (-5) over Obama

HI: Obama (-31) over McCain

ID: McCain (-42) over Obama (holy balls)

IL: Obama (-24) over McCain

IN: Obama (-1) over McCain

IA: Obama (-14) over McCain

KS: McCain (-32) over Obama

KY: McCain (-9) over Obama

LA: McCain (-7) over Obama

ME: Obama (-21) over McCain

MD: Obama (-15) over McCain

MA: Obama (-19) over McCain

MI: Obama (-12) over McCain

MN: Obama (-8) over McCain

MS: McCain (-13) over Obama

MO: McCain (PK) over Obama

MT: McCain (-3) over Obama

NE: McCain (-26) over Obama

NV: Obama (-7) over McCain

NJ: Obama (-18) over McCain

NH: Obama (-15) over McCain

NM: Obama (-5) over McCain

NY: Obama (-31) over McCain

NC: Obama (-6) over McCain 

ND: Obama (-2) over McCain (going alphabetically, Obama wins by now)

OH: Obama (-4) over McCain

OK: McCain (-27) over Obama

OR: Obama (-14) over McCain

PA: Obama (-10) over McCain

RI: Obama (-14) over McCain

SC: McCain (-22) over Obama (we all know why)

SD: McCain (-7) over Obama

TN: McCain (-16) over Obama

TX: McCain (-19) over Obama

UT: McCain (-23) over Obama

VT: Obama (-21) over McCain

VA: Obama (-9) over McCain

WA: Obama (-21) over McCain

WV: McCain (-9) over Obama

WI: Obama (-11) over McCain

WY: McCain (-26) over Obama

Electoral Votes: Obama (367) over McCain (171) is an over/under of (-196) margin of victory. This is the first tiebreaker.

Total states won: Obama (30) over McCain (21) is an over/under of (-9) margin of victory.

This is the second tiebreaker.

If we're still tied after this, pick the exact number of electoral votes won by the winning candidate. Whoever is closest wins.

EDIT: Watching the Pens game was clearly more of a distraction to typing this than the alcohol I was drinking. Yeah.

- Matt