FUCK THE YANKEES

For those of you who haven't heard, Teixeira is now a Yankee. As an Oriole fan, this blows on a great many levels. First, the hated Yankees prove their dickishness again by stealing someone who could have been a beloved hometown hero. Second, it proves that in today's MLB, there's no such thing as a hometown hero. The only color they see is green. It's no longer a Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn league. It's an A-Rod and Manny and Traitor (Tex's new name) league. Even Markakis will leave if it's more lucrative to do so. You can't depend on any person to take a hometown discount as long as the Yankees, Red Sox and Mets are around.

Picture: Traitor sees a $5 bill in the outfield

There's some silver lining to this mess. First, the Red Sox didn't get him. That would have made ESPN insufferable. And speaking of the four-letter network, if you can't see the front page it's because they have so much egg on their face. I'd like to see Olney and Gammons explain their retardation over the past two weeks. And Simmons, one of the most insufferable writers there, trying to defend the Red Sox or being depressed is always fun.

Lastly, I'd like to say that any team that can look at the economic environment today, especially in NYC, and say "it's totally worth it to spend half a billion dollars to have three guys throw and hit balls with sticks", has lost all sense of what's real in the world and needs to readjust their priorities. Just saying.

Go O's. You don't need that pussy Traitor. Especially a Mt. St. Joe's pussy Traitor.

- Matt

The Ravens Are Some Sort of Football Team.

It's not my place to write about other people's favorite teams. But Will hasn't posted since I last had sex, so let's go ahead and do him a favor:

First of all, it's nice that the Ravens are in control of their own destiny. No, I'm not bitter that a team I honestly thought was going to win the Super Bowl this year and who I happen to root for is NOT in control of their own destiny, why do you ask? But the Ravens need to beat the severely underachieving Jags to make the playoffs for sure, regardless of what goes down in the AFC East. The Chargers... let's move on.

Didn't care enough to watch the actual broadcast, but I saw the recap on nfl.com and it went something like this:

Announcer #1: The Cowboys are great, aren't they?

Announcer #2: (Mouth full of Cowboy dick)

I mean, seriously, the second guy did all but cup the balls. Go ahead and watch the video recap. As Mason scoops up the fumble, and as McGahee breaks free of tacklers, he says "ohhh noooo" on the air pretty loudly. Let's keep in mind this was a nationally broadcast game, not some shitty Dallas CBS announcers. But it gets better. As McClain rumbles in for the second TD in two plays (holy fuck, by the way), you can actually hear him take off his headset and slam it on something! Where the hell do they find these guys? Unemployment office parking lot in Texas? Let's get a Detroit guy instead, at least the color commentary would just be gentle sobbing.

Besides the joke announcing job, the other thing that stands out is how overrated Jason Garrett is/was. When I heard the Ravens were pursuing him, I told people "oh, so they want exactly what Billick was?" And look, now Dallas looks stupid for opening up the checkbook for someone who benefitted from talented players. Phillips is possibly worse than Norv, he shouldn't have an NFL head coaching job. Harbaugh is good, definitely better than average in this league. And Flacco is the best QB the Ravens have had, maybe better than Vinny Testaverde (don't wet yourself just yet, Ravens fans).

Is any of this enough to make me root for my original home team again? Hell no. Brees with both eyes gouged out is better than most of Bmore's offensive players, and Rivers, though a huge dick, is vastly more skilled than Flacco. LT is causing many people to panic, but he's still a quality back, better than McGahee or McClain. San Diego lost to the current playoff teams that have clinched playoff spots by a total of 4. Throw in Denver, and it's 5. It just goes to show how much luck matters. Pittsburgh is incredibly lucky, San Diego is incredibly unlucky this year. Baltimore's MO is win or get blown out, unless the opposing offense is inept (Pitt, Tenny).

In short, congrats Ravens fans, but it's not over. It's actually possible the Chargers make it and you don't. Hopefully I don't see too many urine stains on people's pants (at least I hope it's urine) when I get back in town, because the birds aren't even close to the Super Bowl yet. Well, that's my backhanded compliment entry for the month, time to go pretend the Pens aren't missing half their team right now...

- Matt

Hm, cool

OK, guess the Chargers aren't technically eliminated yet. We'll see at 7:30. Die Broncos.

- Matt

End of Season Report

What's it like to poop your pants when you absolutely need to drive for 5 hours straight? Ask the Chargers, who have turned a must-win game into a thrashing by a 2-11 team. Now that the season has officially sucked worse than Mission Impossible 2, it can safely be said the Bolts need a shakeup. i have another 9 months to write about how, so I won't right now. But the o-line needs a ton of work.

- Matt

Balls Everywhere

Well, so much for my prediction.

So where do the Chargers go from here? I'm sure Ravens fans are very used to this question: underachieving high quality team falls short of playoffs. Panic and go with youth movement? Keep status quo and chalk it up to bad luck? Fire Norv? Fire NORV? FIRE NORV?!?

Regardless, the Bolts should start playing the spoiler role. Let some younger guys get their licks in. Limit LT's carries so he can get healthy again. Keep Rivers from getting injured. Finally, do all you can to embarrass your division leader, Denver. Why? Because fuck 'em that's why!

Finally, let's take a look at the draft positions. San Diego stands at 10th right now, due to their superior conference record (compared to the other 4-8 teams, San Fran, Jax, and Cleveland). I think it's pretty clear they need to improve their lines, as two of the more recent games have had pivotal safeties which bit them in the ass. And the defense... well, let's not talk about the defense maybe.

More on this when the Chargers are actually mathematically eliminated from the postseason. I'll comfort myself with Carrie Milbank, NHL reporter:

- Matt