Bolts play the 6-4 Colts. Absolutely a must-win game or the season is effectively over. Not much to say about either team, should be a lot of passing yards.
I skip the pregame shows because they suck, and also The Transporter is on FX.
The first quarter is underway, and both teams exercise their punters. Hard to say if it's good defense or bad offense. At any rate, neither team is capable of getting a rushing attack going, so there are some mid-length completions offered to receivers of both teams. Vini-choke boots one for the first points of the game. The quarter ends with less scoring than the average soccer match, and a long completion by Rivers. Nothing else to say, 3-0 Colts.
The Chargers poop on themselves until they have to settle for a Kaeding kick to make it 3-3. The NBC announcing crew audio-fellates Jeff Saturday for being a fat guy. During the oral sex, Jammer plays the role of the awkward mother who walks in on the crew. Interception city.
At some point on the drive, Rivers beats LT's best rush of the game. Jesus. At least LT is getting positive yardage, mostly.
Just as I'm thinking about how much I hate guys named "Norv", Rivers throws a pinpoint precision pass for a huge touchdown to Vincent Jackson. 10-3 Chargers, and some fat chick in Indianapolis eats an entire ham to console herself.
And look, I get it. You're gay, Rosie O'Donnell. But seriously? The commercial I just saw is gayer than Bravo. Here's an idea: why don't you try not promoting stereotypes so there's increased mainstream acceptance of gays being regular people, which they are. This is why things like Prop 8 get passed.
Speaking of gays, Manning throws an incomplete pass. Har dee har har.
Inside the two-minute warning, the Colts manage to get to the red zone. Then something happens which makes you appreciate good defensive coordinators: the Bolts fail to cover THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS THROWN TO ON 3RD DOWN. Colts tie it at 10, and the Chargers take over with the 2nd Q almost over.
0:34 is plenty of time to score, unless you're Norv Turner and shit all over yourself by not calling a time out after a run, burning another 15 seconds off the clock than necessary. Time runs out with the Bolts on Indy's 47. Gee, that 15 seconds would have been helpful, wouldn't it, Norv? Assface.
A great opening to the third quarter is stopped by Rivers getting crunched by some Indy jokes and losing the ball. So naturally the Colts drive the length of the field. Almost a huge goal-line stand, but Manning can only choke so much. Colts 17-10, ugh.
If you're looking for a consolation here, it's that the Chargers held the Colts pretty well for most of the red zone offense. Also, Indy burned two of their timeouts, something that can't be good for them. But in the end, they still got 7 points and the lead.
Another futile drive, and then an outrageous flop by Reggie Wayne draws pass interference. What a bitch. The little white ref seems to have money on Indy, as he calls another pass interference play on a defender who wasn't even near the play. Fuckhead (that's his name) calls a "makeup" false start against Indy. I hope he dies in a painful way. Still, Norv should be ripping the official a new asshole.
The result of the drive is 3 points for Indy, 20-10 lead now. Unbelievable.
A relatively boring, but long and productive touchdown drive puts the score at 20-17. The drive was basically all Rivers, which I guess is OK as long as the Chargers are behind. If they had to rely on LT getting first down after first down this game, I don't know how they'd do it.
Colts go three and out because of a major third down stop, and the Colts' punter kicks to Sproles, who can't get past the 13. LT has a good catch-and-run, including some out of bounds action. Chambers and Sproles decide to imitate and get big first downs as well. Drive ends disappointingly, with a tying kick by Kaeding.
Boy, that extra 3 at the end of the first half with good clock management would really come in handy here, Norv. At least you're angry.
The refs make another good attempt to screw the Chargers over by calling a pass that clearly falls short a first down, so the booth is on the case.
...The booth says no, and it's fourth and inches. The ref shows the size of his penis to Tony Dungy. Meanwhile, exhibit A of why the NFL is excruciatingly slow goes underway. Peyton Homo gets the first down anyway, ugh.
2 seconds left, Viniwhatever up to kick a 51 yard field goal. Good, 23-20. Game, Colts. Season, Chargers...
Would say more, but I'm just sick of this bullshit. The Chargers should absolutely be 6-5, not 4-7. Thanks for nothing, officials.
- Matt
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