5 Sports Questions I Answer Myself, Because I'm A Douche

1. Does the USA Olympic team have the momentum going into Vancouver after its two other teams (U-17 and Junior) beat Canada for the gold medal?

A: Well, it depends on the matchup. If a semifinal or finals matchup between Canada or the US occurs, the home crowd could be very unforgiving of the red and white indeed. Of course, they might just be yet more rabid and give their team the boost it needs. One underrated fact going into these Olympics is that the Canadian and US teams are 100% NHL players, and the rink is NHL-sized ice. This is putting Russia and the other Euro teams at disadvantage. But overall, the USA might have some more swagger going into the tourney, yes, but it ultimately has no effect on the adults playing.


2. What's with all the injuries in the NHL this year?

A: No idea. Perhaps the compressed schedule, maybe hitters are learning where the line is in dirty/clean hits, or maybe a rule change needs to be enacted so goalies can play the puck again. All I know is, they aren't coming from fights, so bitches claiming fighting is worse for the sport than open ice hits need to shut the hell up already.


3. How will Ovechkin perform as captain?

A: Really, it depends on how he matures. Not as a player, but as a human being. We've seen how negatively he acts under adversity, especially in regards to the media. If he acts more like Sidney Crosby than Mike Richards, he should do fine. The bigger issue here is the rumors of the divide between European and North American players in the Caps' lockerroom. Ovechkin seems hardly the type to try and bridge the gap off the ice, unlike, say, Sergei Fedorov. If Federov had stayed, I wouldn't have been surprised to see him wearing the C for now. Finally, if the coach himself can't rein in Ovechkin, who else as Captain could have? So I think that Ovie was the best choice for Captain, simply because I can't see anyone else who could have sufficed.


4. Should teams be chasing the President's Trophy?

A: No. The only PT winner I can remember winning the Stanley Cup is the Red Wings in 2008. The Sharks and 06 Wings lost to 8th seeds in the first round of the playoffs, The 07 Sabres lost in the ECF to the Sens. And the most dominant Penguins team of all time, the 93 team, lost in 7 games to the Islanders in the semifinal round. So while being the number 1 seed is nice, it hasn't done people (especially in the East) any favors in the recent past.


5. Who wins Super Bowl XLIV?

A: Ehhhh, really hard to say. I'm biased, so I tell everyone the Chargers. But technically, I'm asking myself here, so I'll tell myself the Colts. I think the Chargers are the only team that CAN beat the Colts, but WILL they? It's under a 50-50 shot for San Diego. I will say this: the AFC Champion has a far better shot at winning the whole thing than anyone from the NFC. I don't think an NFC team has been favored since the Rams lost to the Pats. Colts over, oh, I don't know, the Packers.

EDIT: Totally not a hockey question. Title of post changed.

4 posts in 4 days, bitches!

- Matt

Norv Turner

Rick Reilly took his head out of his ass for long enough to write this article about Norv Turner.

I have to say, I really feel for the guy after reading this. I've noticed the past year I've been saying "say what you will about Norv, but his record is pretty damn good". Could it be possible I'm starting to like him? He's not an asshole like almost all other football coaches (cough, Rex Ryan), and he has a good rapport with his players. If you're San Diego's GM, would you ever fire someone with 3 division titles and a 3-3 playoff record? His replacement would not do better, at least immediately.

So kudos, Norv. Now you're acceptable at the very least.

- Matt

Worst Fans of 2009

I hate lists. This is a reason I have little to no respect for Rolling Stone. Don't get me wrong, I like to see which shitty group they're touching themselves over annually. Gratuitous Arcade Fire and Arctic Monkeys are highly overrated comment. But I do like hyperbole, and Best/Worst lists often accomplish it.

I'll do a blurb on the Best Fans too, but I'm a pessimist so let's focus on the negative.

NBA

Worst Fans: ESPN. Seriously, the NBA is a terrible product.

Best Fans: The ones who died in 2009.


MLB

Worst Fans: New York Yankees. There will never be a year they don't win this. And if you think they were bad when their team was semi-likeable, think about how bad they'll be this year.

Best Fans: Orioles. Duh.

Best Fan: Greg Slovin, the only Marlins fan in existence.


NFL

Worst Fans: Pittsburgh Steelers. You've won 2 of the last 4 Super Bowls, amassed a 65-31 record in 6 years, had only three head coaches since the 70s, and won the most Super Bowls of any team EVER... but "what have you done for me lately" is still the prevailing motto of Steeler Nation. Even when the team went 12-4 and won a Super Bowl, fans complained it wasn't as good as the Cowher teams (somehow). Combine that with the most annoying blame game ever played, and you have a team whose fans edge out the Patriots in annoyance.

Best Fans: No such thing as a "best" NFL fan.


MLS

Worst Fans: I have no idea. Let's say New England Revolution. Yeah, why not.

Best Fans: Seattle. Nuff said.


NHL

Worst Fans: Washington Capitals. It takes pure skill to beat out the Flyers any year. But if you look past the extreme fairweather nature, the lack of any semblance of hockey knowledge, the knuckle-dragging mindset, the hero worship of douchebags, the sense of entitlement without ever accomplishing anything of value, and the ADD nature of their arena that appeals to brain-dead children, you still have much to hate. For example: the pacifiers incident, the popularity of the "Crosby Sucks" song (seriously, the Flyers do the Crosby Sucks thing so much better), the organization-wide penis envy of the Penguins (check Ted's blog weekly), the fact the owner talks down to his fans like they're retarded, how the top levels of the organization sells fake tickets to fans of opposing teams, the steroids scandal that's somehow stayed quiet, and my most hated, the COWBELLS. Oh, and how their mongoloid fans slam their hairy palms against the class whenever an opposing player is in remote proximity. In short (too late), this is the worst bunch of mouth-breathing turds in a sport that doesn't need any more reason to be shunned by the national media.

Best Fans: Calgary Flames. Never met one I didn't like. And the C of Red (which predates Rock the Red by decades) is beast.

- Matt

Oh the Hilarity

Now's a good time to look back on our playoff predictions and realize why we suck. Though to be fair, who saw Cincinnati coming?

Will said:

AFC - 1. NE 2. PIT 3. SD 4. TEN 5. IND 6. BAL
NFC - 1. NO 2. GB 3. SEA 4. NYG 5. ATL 6. SF
Super Bowl - Steelers over Packers

2 correct division winners, 1 correct seed in the AFC. 2 correct playoff teams, 1 correct seed in the NFC. And I doubt Pittsburgh can win the Super Bowl.

Matt said:

AFC - 1. NE 2. PIT 3. SD 4. IND 5. BAL 6. TEN
NFC - 1. SEA 2. ATL 3. MIN 4. NYG 5. PHI 6. GB
Super Bowl - Chargers over whoever

When I said "Playoff predictions at this point would be just stupid", I proved prophetic. I got 4/6 correct in the AFC, but none of the seeding. In the NFC, the two teams with first round byes at least won't be playing this weekend, so I guess I knew that in advance. Only one division winner, but I correctly guessed the two wild cards somehow. Oh, and no correct seeds there either. Surprisingly, my arbitrary Super Bowl pick is looking to be in better shape than anyone thought in Week 1.

In short, never bet on Seattle.

- Matt

Clinching/Elimination Scenarios in the AFC

Just detailed the likelihood of teams making the playoffs in my last real post, now it's time to see how close the other teams are to the brink, whether good or bad.

Cleveland and Kansas City are already eliminated.

A win by Jacksonville eliminates Buffalo and Oakland. A loss doesn't immediately eliminate Oakland, but it does eliminate Buffalo based on conference record.

A Houston and/or Tennessee loss and Jacksonville win eliminates them from the playoffs. Their abysmal division records come into play here.

---

The following can't have their fates altered this week, but let's talk about them anyway:

Baltimore, Miami, New York and Pittsburgh are effectively eliminated by 1 more loss. It's still technically possible to clinch at 9-7 or 9-6-1, but the odds are stacked against them. Baltimore with the 6-4 AFC record has the best shot of the bunch to get in at 9-7.

Two Denver wins, two Jacksonville losses, and a Miami loss clinch a playoff berth for the Broncos. At 10-6 with a minimum of a 7-5 conference record, and the fact that only one of PIT/BAL can get to 10-6, they would achieve no worse than 6th.

Three Jacksonville wins clinch a playoff berth. That would ensure no worse than 9-3 in the AFC. Two wins would give the Jags a supreme advantage in the event of a 9-7 tiebreaker scenario, as long as they don't lose to Miami.

New England can clinch the AFC East by winning as many or more games than Miami, and as few as one less than the Jets. Miami can clinch by winning one more than the Pats, especially if New England loses to the Bills. There are other things in play for that last scenario, but let's pretend.

Cincinnati can clinch the AFC North by winning once.

San Diego can clinch the AFC West by keeping pace with Denver. Denver can clinch somehow, but they're assholes so fuck those guys.

Finally, Indy can clinch homefield advantage for sure with 2 wins, or 1 win and a loss by Cincy/SD. Wade through that as you will.

- Matt

EDIT: The Steelers are effectively eliminated from playoff contention. It will be official once the Broncos and Jags win two each. 9-7 with a 6-6 AFC record and 2-4 maximum divisional record just doesn't seem even close to adequate.

O noes...

Radhames Liz claimed off waivers by the Padres. Is anyone sad about this at all?

Playoffs?!?

Will won't write about the wild card race, though it's more relevant to his team, so I guess I will.

So far, we have this:

5. Denver, 8-4 (6-3)
6. Jacksonville, 7-5 (6-2)
7. Baltimore, 6-6 (6-4)
8. Miami, 6-6 (4-4)
9. New York Jokes, 6-6 (5-5)
10. Pittsburgh, 6-6 (4-5)

Indy can clinch top AFC seed with 2 wins, San Diego or Cincinnati can clinch the 2nd seed by going 3-1, as long as one of those wins is against the other team. New England can clinch the division by... winning out.

Now it gets somewhat tricky. Denver is assured a spot if they go 3-1. While they play Indy and Philly, they have games at home against the Chiefs and Raiders. This season isn't locked up just yet, but it's close.

Jacksonville has perhaps the hardest schedule down the stretch. 3 playoff teams in a row: Miami, Indy, New England. Then the Browns. 1-3 is a very real possibility. That first game is the key. Win that, and it's possible to make the postseason at 9-7 and give either SD or CIN an easy first round win.

Baltimore is in a decent position. 3 of their games are easy: Detroit, Chicago, Oakland (don't give me that 'they beat the Steelers' crap; just don't give them any motivation). The game against the Steelers decides how their season ends up. If Pittsburgh continues its collapse, and especially if Dixon starts again, the Ravens could have the easiest remaining sked of anyone.

Miami, as mentioned before, needs to beat the Jags to have a prayer. 3 games against the "lesser" AFC South teams, then end the season at home against the Steelers. It's very possible that game determines the 6th seed in the AFC. Just as easily could go 1-3. No clue on this team.

New York. Needs to win out to make it, and get some help. Nothing else to say.

Pittsburgh. Ah, the Steelers. The cockroach of the NFL. Just when you think it's all over for them, they turn around and pull together a winning streak. They play the Browns in like 3 minutes, and despite injuries it'll be an easy win. Next, the Packers at home, which is likely their hardest remaining game. Then the Ravens. End the season with Miami. Polamalu is due back against GB, which is bad news for any other team. If the Steelers don't win out, they're toast. 7-5 in the AFC is their best possible, and the Jags will most likely achieve 8-4. I fully expect this team to make the playoffs.

Prediction:

5. Pittsburgh (10-6, 7-5)
6. Denver (10-6, 8-4) [head to head tiebreaker]
7. Jacksonville (9-7, 8-4)
8. Baltimore (9-7, 7-5)
9. Miami (8-8, 6-6)
10. Who cares.

- Matt