AFC Preview: No, Not That Football (part 3)

Part 3. Yay.

AFC South: No One Gives A Shit

Houston Somethings

Go-To Play: They hand off to Matt Schaub and... wait, what the fuck?

Defense: Mario Williams was picked ahead of Reggie Bush. While ESPN will never stop reminding you that, they will never admit they blasted Houston for taking Williams (who's been good) over Bush (who's been injured). ESPN eats their own poop. What were we talking about?

Chances of Winning: Fat.

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Indianapolis Thieving Fucktards

Go-To Play: Peyton Manning stars in a commercial, possibly wearing a fake moustache, while his team loses to the Patriots or Chargers.

Defense: Peyton Manning glares at them on the bench as they allow Brady or Rivers to score the game-winning touchdown.

Chances of Winning: High, because they're extra motivated by the fact that losing means they have to spend more time in Indianapolis than absolutely necessary.

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Jacksonville Jaguars

Go-To Play: Though they usually just run the ball, David Garrard has been known to spontaneously grow to three times his size, turn green, and smash everything in sight.

Defense: Pretty good, but it's really their bitchin' logo that strikes fear into the hearts of their opponents:

Chances of Winning: First need to find out how to play Steelers in first round of playoffs, second round of playoffs, AFC Championship, and Super Bowl.

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Tennessee Titans

Go-To Play: Ever since losing Super Bowl XXXIV by one yard, the vengeful Titans have insisted on gaining exactly one yard on every play.

Defense: I mean, Sorgi leading the second-string Colts almost beat these guys...

Chances of Winning: If field goals start counting as much as touchdowns, this team is a heavy favorite this year.

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Consider this post mailed in. Happy one week-iversary to the site!

- Matt

AFC Preview: Now With Brett Favre! (part 2)

Day 2 of detailing why no team is good enough to win the Super Bowl this year. Today:

AFC East: That 90's Show

Buffalo Bills

Go-To Play: When playing teams wearing red uniforms, offensive linemen are replaced by bulls. While clearly against NFL rules, no one has noticed the change thus far.

Defense: Pretty much just snow:

Chances of Winning: The Sabres season starts in early October, beat the ticket rush.

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Miami Dolphins

Go-To Play: With so many mediocre QBs over the past few years, this team just settles for positive yardage.

Defense: Do they still that one guy? Taylor? No? OK, it's pretty awful.

Chances of Winning: A game? Pretty good. Two or three? Hey, let's not get greedy.

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New England Patriots

Go-To Play: Given that they broke every offensive record last year, Jesus, what isn't?

Defense: Wins championships, but no one has had the heart to tell them the offense blew it in the most recent Super Bowl just yet. We just don't think the defense could handle it...

Chances of Winning: They better go 19-0, otherwise they're going to have to give away another batch of clothing to children in third world countries. And time's running out on that book title copyright, too.

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New Jersey Jets

Go-To Play: Brett Favre, Favre Favre Brett Favre. Favre Brett Brett, Favreity Favre Favre Favre. Brett? Ha! Brett Favre!

Defense: Did I already mention Brett Favre?

Chances of Winning: Will skyrocket once John Madden claims to "have always loved the Jets organization".

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Tomorrow- the AFC South, which will excite all eleven fans of the division who have access to the Internet.

- Matt

AFC Preview: Where Winners Go To Win (part 1)

It occurred to me during a severely long and boring meeting today that I should talk a little about all 16 teams in the AFC. Why? Because between mental masturbation and hallucination lies the sports part of my brain. Here's a rundown of each team, their go-to offensive play, the relative strength of their D, and their chance at winning their division or the Super Bowl.

AFC North: The Least North Division Ever

Baltimore Ravens

Go-To Play: Offensive genius Kyle Boller throws directly to the opponents, in the hopes that they will fumble after the hit, giving the Ravens an automatic first down.

Defense: In the rare event you actually score against this unit, watch your back. Seriously man, half of them have knives and shit.

Chances of Winning: Not good, but they did win a Super Bowl title with this man:

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Cleveland Browns

Go-To Play: Move to Baltimore and win the Super Bowl in less than 10 years. If that fails, have whats-his-name pass to the guy, number eighty or ninety something or whatever.

Defense: Sometimes the best defense is an awful defense. Wait...

Chances of Winning: About as likely as Bush's third term.

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Nasty 'Nati Bengals

Go-To Play: Any passing play in which fat guys don't break Carson Palmer's knees.

Defense: You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Chances of Winning: You know what? Let's just move on to Pittsburgh.

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Pittsburgh Steelers

Go-To Play: "Fast" Willie Parker hops on a motorcycle and books it into the end zone. Note to offensive linemen: make sure Roethlisberger is wearing a helmet during this play.

Defense: While the "Steel Curtain" era is long over, the modern Steelers' "Lead Drapes" has not yet let a single gamma ray particle into their end zone.

Chances of Winning: Good, unless they have to play in the AFC Championship at any point, where they are approximately 6-73 in the past 42 years.

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More tomorrow, so I can stretch this feature out over 8 days

- Matt

At Least They Didn't Shit-Talk the German Swim Team

Today's post is dedicated to the epic comeback by US swimming in the 400 Freelay last night. I learned through playing collegiate sports that it's not wise to shit-talk a driven opponent. And there might not be any swimmers more driven than Phelps and his teammates. Everyone knows how much his record potentially means. To say you're going to smash them? That leads to something like this:

They should call Tom Brady and ask how it feels several months after being humiliated on worldwide broadcasts. Fools.

The French coach's response pretty much sums it up:

About the prediction: "Well... I think he got it wrong."

Live and learn, French dude.

New Orioles links today. I'm trying to get enough sources of information so I can make a real post one of these days. Go O's.

- Matt

UM...

That is all.

- Matt

O's and Chargers, Chargers and O's...

Not much to say today. O's got drubbed by some jokes from Texas, Chargers beat some jokes from Texas last night. Sundays are pretty much dead zones for sports until the NFL starts up.

GaySPN is talking some bullcrap about a billion people watching USA vs China basketball. Whatever, I'm sure they can suck LeBron's balls when the NBA season starts in mid-March or whenever. What a bunch of babies and divers. It makes soccer look hardcore. If it were college basketball, we could get stuff like this at least:

Nice.

In real sports news, men's Olympic water polo team beat China 8-4. I didn't get to watch it because I was at the zoo, but I'm sure the US pulled its starters relatively quickly. I wasn't aware China had a water polo team until I looked up the schedule. Chumps. At least under the pool water there isn't any pollution... yet.

I need hockey. I'm already circling preseason game dates on my calendar. Time to job basketball somewhere else. Go O's.

- Matt

Chargers' Opener / O's Recap

Hangoverblog. Ugh.

So after watching the first of 21 (that's right, I said 21) total Steelers games including preseason this year, I had the opportunity to actually see a small clip of O's baseball on the television. Granted, it was on FSN, but since New England Terrible News Network refuses to acknowledge at least 10 teams in the league exist, I appreciated it. I saw the two clips of Millar smashing homers, despite one good attempt by Josh Hamilton to nab one of them.

The untold (at least by TV) story is definitely Jeremy Guthrie. Despite being 9-8, he has a paltry 3.26 ERA in the mighty AL East, and 163 IP, good enough for, oh, 2nd in the AL. His WHIP is microscopic compared to most pitchers, at just 1.17. He hit the 100 K mark last night, and the lowest pitch count he's had in the past 10 games was 93. Minimum innings over that span? 5 2/3. How is this guy not considered an ace?

Despite having a better ERA than almost all of Boston's rotation (damn Lester), all of New York's, all of Tampa Bay's, all of (you get the picture), no one mentions him on a national level. Then again, Jason Bay apparently didn't exist until he was a Red Sux player. And then he was the best player you (note: you means Boston and New York only) never heard about.

Therefore, it's time for a new section I'd like to call Guthrie Watch. Tune in Wednesday night or Thursday for episode 1.

On to the only game that might be slower than baseball. During the estimated 3,419 stoppages in play during the Steelers game last night, I had a chance to take stock in preseason hype and expectations surrounding the Chargers. Naturally, I believe LT and Rivers will get little to no playing time against the Cowjokes. Maybe Jerry Jones will scream in his coach's ear during an important game again sometime this season. That really helps, which is why they're selling the Cowboys' 2008 Super Bowl victory DVDs to the same kids they gave those 19-0 shirts to in Africa.

Doing some news searching, and it appears Rivers might not even enter the first preseason game. But you can tell his recovery's going well, check out this picture:

That Asian dude is all business.

So really as long as LT, Rivers, Gates etc. are healthy for game 1 against the, let's see... Carolina Panthers? OK, as long as they're ready for week 2 against the Broncos, I'm happy.

Time to watch me some Olympics. Water polo airs tomorrow afternoon! Go O's!

- Matt