It occurred to me during a severely long and boring meeting today that I should talk a little about all 16 teams in the AFC. Why? Because between mental masturbation and hallucination lies the sports part of my brain. Here's a rundown of each team, their go-to offensive play, the relative strength of their D, and their chance at winning their division or the Super Bowl.
AFC North: The Least North Division Ever
Baltimore Ravens
Go-To Play: Offensive genius Kyle Boller throws directly to the opponents, in the hopes that they will fumble after the hit, giving the Ravens an automatic first down.
Defense: In the rare event you actually score against this unit, watch your back. Seriously man, half of them have knives and shit.
Chances of Winning: Not good, but they did win a Super Bowl title with this man:
Cleveland Browns
Go-To Play: Move to Baltimore and win the Super Bowl in less than 10 years. If that fails, have whats-his-name pass to the guy, number eighty or ninety something or whatever.
Defense: Sometimes the best defense is an awful defense. Wait...
Chances of Winning: About as likely as Bush's third term.
Nasty 'Nati Bengals
Go-To Play: Any passing play in which fat guys don't break Carson Palmer's knees.
Defense: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Chances of Winning: You know what? Let's just move on to Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Go-To Play: "Fast" Willie Parker hops on a motorcycle and books it into the end zone. Note to offensive linemen: make sure Roethlisberger is wearing a helmet during this play.
Defense: While the "Steel Curtain" era is long over, the modern Steelers' "Lead Drapes" has not yet let a single gamma ray particle into their end zone.
Chances of Winning: Good, unless they have to play in the AFC Championship at any point, where they are approximately 6-73 in the past 42 years.
More tomorrow, so I can stretch this feature out over 8 days
- Matt
1 comment:
HOrrible
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