I would like to extend a thank you to Matt and Will for giving me this incredible opportunity to write for such a prestigious blog.
I promise to give a high level of bias to the Bills and Sabres.
Thank you.
-Brett
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wild Card Preview
It's time. But I don't really care all that much, so in the spirit of the Deadspin Jamboroo, if I don't care about a game, I'll go off on a random tangent.
Jets at Bengals
Is football where all the fat asshole shitstains of the world get jobs? I only ask because Rex Ryan is a fucking douche. And he weighs like 800 pounds. I was raised in a fairly progressive household, and I'd like to consider myself free of racism and other prejudice. But obese people piss me right the fuck off. My brother told me that the history channel (which should be renamed the Bible Channel) showed scientists tying "gluttony" to neurological disorders. You know what? I'll take it a step further. Obese people are not only insane, they're dangerous. If they become the next scapegoat in this country, I'm way on board for that. Consider me on the fat-hater bandwagon.
Note: Birdmen does not endorse the harming or killing of morbidly obese people. Let them kill themselves.
Prediction: Jets 27, Bengals 17
Eagles at Cowboys
This is the most interesting game this weekend. This means two things: one, football is pretty unexciting. Two, I have no idea what to expect from this game. I say interesting, not good, for a reason. With the kind of unpredictable game I'm expecting, one team usually embarasses the other and makes it unwatchable by the second quarter. I can't think of any recent offenders, but I know the difference between "good" and "interesting" enough to say this game is going to be unwatchable by the second half. I'm picking a blowout, and I assume Will is too, since he picked DAL DAL U.
Prediction: Eagles 172, Cowboys 4
Ravens at Patriots
This game could go either way. The Ravens just haven't looked very good this year. Neither have the Patriots. If this were college football, it would be called the Earning the Privelege to Get Raped in Round Two Bowl. The Chargers could feasibly triple the Patriots' score. The Colts are just way too strong for anything the Ravens can muster. And they have Stover. Does it really matter who wins this game?
Now watch the winner get to the Super Bowl.
Prediction: Ravens 23, Patriots 21
Packers at Cardinals
While watching King of the Hill on Adult Swim last night, there were a few promos for the next Family Guy episode to premiere on the station. As an avid fan of the series' beginning, I feel like I have to ask, "what the hell happened to this show?" Part of me feels success has spoiled it, making everyone who works on it lazy because they've found a working formula. But I have a better idea: Seth Macfarlane is the most egotistical man in the TV business. Every episode, other characters are constantly telling Brian (who's essentially Seth) how good his voice is. This seems to be a matter of insecurity for him, even though he does have a good voice.
He also seems to revel in putting down his coworkers' other projects, as if to assert some sort of alpha-dog dominance on the cast. The last straw for me was the live singing performance with Alex Borstein that came out a few months ago. Hey, guys. The reason you're on an ANIMATED show is because you have faces/bodies for radio. If I want to see ugly, fat people showboating for inexplicably slavish fans, I'll watch football.
Speaking of which, Green Bay is almost too chic a pick right now. Bed-shitting remains a strong possibility this weekend, but I doubt it.
Prediction: Green Bay 34, Arizona 23
Bonus Prediction: Tom Brady is knocked out of the game against Baltimore at some point.
- Matt
Jets at Bengals
Is football where all the fat asshole shitstains of the world get jobs? I only ask because Rex Ryan is a fucking douche. And he weighs like 800 pounds. I was raised in a fairly progressive household, and I'd like to consider myself free of racism and other prejudice. But obese people piss me right the fuck off. My brother told me that the history channel (which should be renamed the Bible Channel) showed scientists tying "gluttony" to neurological disorders. You know what? I'll take it a step further. Obese people are not only insane, they're dangerous. If they become the next scapegoat in this country, I'm way on board for that. Consider me on the fat-hater bandwagon.
Note: Birdmen does not endorse the harming or killing of morbidly obese people. Let them kill themselves.
Prediction: Jets 27, Bengals 17
Eagles at Cowboys
This is the most interesting game this weekend. This means two things: one, football is pretty unexciting. Two, I have no idea what to expect from this game. I say interesting, not good, for a reason. With the kind of unpredictable game I'm expecting, one team usually embarasses the other and makes it unwatchable by the second quarter. I can't think of any recent offenders, but I know the difference between "good" and "interesting" enough to say this game is going to be unwatchable by the second half. I'm picking a blowout, and I assume Will is too, since he picked DAL DAL U.
Prediction: Eagles 172, Cowboys 4
Ravens at Patriots
This game could go either way. The Ravens just haven't looked very good this year. Neither have the Patriots. If this were college football, it would be called the Earning the Privelege to Get Raped in Round Two Bowl. The Chargers could feasibly triple the Patriots' score. The Colts are just way too strong for anything the Ravens can muster. And they have Stover. Does it really matter who wins this game?
Now watch the winner get to the Super Bowl.
Prediction: Ravens 23, Patriots 21
Packers at Cardinals
While watching King of the Hill on Adult Swim last night, there were a few promos for the next Family Guy episode to premiere on the station. As an avid fan of the series' beginning, I feel like I have to ask, "what the hell happened to this show?" Part of me feels success has spoiled it, making everyone who works on it lazy because they've found a working formula. But I have a better idea: Seth Macfarlane is the most egotistical man in the TV business. Every episode, other characters are constantly telling Brian (who's essentially Seth) how good his voice is. This seems to be a matter of insecurity for him, even though he does have a good voice.
He also seems to revel in putting down his coworkers' other projects, as if to assert some sort of alpha-dog dominance on the cast. The last straw for me was the live singing performance with Alex Borstein that came out a few months ago. Hey, guys. The reason you're on an ANIMATED show is because you have faces/bodies for radio. If I want to see ugly, fat people showboating for inexplicably slavish fans, I'll watch football.
Speaking of which, Green Bay is almost too chic a pick right now. Bed-shitting remains a strong possibility this weekend, but I doubt it.
Prediction: Green Bay 34, Arizona 23
Bonus Prediction: Tom Brady is knocked out of the game against Baltimore at some point.
- Matt
Thursday, January 7, 2010
5 Sports Questions I Answer Myself, Because I'm A Douche
1. Does the USA Olympic team have the momentum going into Vancouver after its two other teams (U-17 and Junior) beat Canada for the gold medal?
A: Well, it depends on the matchup. If a semifinal or finals matchup between Canada or the US occurs, the home crowd could be very unforgiving of the red and white indeed. Of course, they might just be yet more rabid and give their team the boost it needs. One underrated fact going into these Olympics is that the Canadian and US teams are 100% NHL players, and the rink is NHL-sized ice. This is putting Russia and the other Euro teams at disadvantage. But overall, the USA might have some more swagger going into the tourney, yes, but it ultimately has no effect on the adults playing.
2. What's with all the injuries in the NHL this year?
A: No idea. Perhaps the compressed schedule, maybe hitters are learning where the line is in dirty/clean hits, or maybe a rule change needs to be enacted so goalies can play the puck again. All I know is, they aren't coming from fights, so bitches claiming fighting is worse for the sport than open ice hits need to shut the hell up already.
3. How will Ovechkin perform as captain?
A: Really, it depends on how he matures. Not as a player, but as a human being. We've seen how negatively he acts under adversity, especially in regards to the media. If he acts more like Sidney Crosby than Mike Richards, he should do fine. The bigger issue here is the rumors of the divide between European and North American players in the Caps' lockerroom. Ovechkin seems hardly the type to try and bridge the gap off the ice, unlike, say, Sergei Fedorov. If Federov had stayed, I wouldn't have been surprised to see him wearing the C for now. Finally, if the coach himself can't rein in Ovechkin, who else as Captain could have? So I think that Ovie was the best choice for Captain, simply because I can't see anyone else who could have sufficed.
4. Should teams be chasing the President's Trophy?
A: No. The only PT winner I can remember winning the Stanley Cup is the Red Wings in 2008. The Sharks and 06 Wings lost to 8th seeds in the first round of the playoffs, The 07 Sabres lost in the ECF to the Sens. And the most dominant Penguins team of all time, the 93 team, lost in 7 games to the Islanders in the semifinal round. So while being the number 1 seed is nice, it hasn't done people (especially in the East) any favors in the recent past.
5. Who wins Super Bowl XLIV?
A: Ehhhh, really hard to say. I'm biased, so I tell everyone the Chargers. But technically, I'm asking myself here, so I'll tell myself the Colts. I think the Chargers are the only team that CAN beat the Colts, but WILL they? It's under a 50-50 shot for San Diego. I will say this: the AFC Champion has a far better shot at winning the whole thing than anyone from the NFC. I don't think an NFC team has been favored since the Rams lost to the Pats. Colts over, oh, I don't know, the Packers.
EDIT: Totally not a hockey question. Title of post changed.
4 posts in 4 days, bitches!
- Matt
A: Well, it depends on the matchup. If a semifinal or finals matchup between Canada or the US occurs, the home crowd could be very unforgiving of the red and white indeed. Of course, they might just be yet more rabid and give their team the boost it needs. One underrated fact going into these Olympics is that the Canadian and US teams are 100% NHL players, and the rink is NHL-sized ice. This is putting Russia and the other Euro teams at disadvantage. But overall, the USA might have some more swagger going into the tourney, yes, but it ultimately has no effect on the adults playing.
2. What's with all the injuries in the NHL this year?
A: No idea. Perhaps the compressed schedule, maybe hitters are learning where the line is in dirty/clean hits, or maybe a rule change needs to be enacted so goalies can play the puck again. All I know is, they aren't coming from fights, so bitches claiming fighting is worse for the sport than open ice hits need to shut the hell up already.
3. How will Ovechkin perform as captain?
A: Really, it depends on how he matures. Not as a player, but as a human being. We've seen how negatively he acts under adversity, especially in regards to the media. If he acts more like Sidney Crosby than Mike Richards, he should do fine. The bigger issue here is the rumors of the divide between European and North American players in the Caps' lockerroom. Ovechkin seems hardly the type to try and bridge the gap off the ice, unlike, say, Sergei Fedorov. If Federov had stayed, I wouldn't have been surprised to see him wearing the C for now. Finally, if the coach himself can't rein in Ovechkin, who else as Captain could have? So I think that Ovie was the best choice for Captain, simply because I can't see anyone else who could have sufficed.
4. Should teams be chasing the President's Trophy?
A: No. The only PT winner I can remember winning the Stanley Cup is the Red Wings in 2008. The Sharks and 06 Wings lost to 8th seeds in the first round of the playoffs, The 07 Sabres lost in the ECF to the Sens. And the most dominant Penguins team of all time, the 93 team, lost in 7 games to the Islanders in the semifinal round. So while being the number 1 seed is nice, it hasn't done people (especially in the East) any favors in the recent past.
5. Who wins Super Bowl XLIV?
A: Ehhhh, really hard to say. I'm biased, so I tell everyone the Chargers. But technically, I'm asking myself here, so I'll tell myself the Colts. I think the Chargers are the only team that CAN beat the Colts, but WILL they? It's under a 50-50 shot for San Diego. I will say this: the AFC Champion has a far better shot at winning the whole thing than anyone from the NFC. I don't think an NFC team has been favored since the Rams lost to the Pats. Colts over, oh, I don't know, the Packers.
EDIT: Totally not a hockey question. Title of post changed.
4 posts in 4 days, bitches!
- Matt
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Norv Turner
Rick Reilly took his head out of his ass for long enough to write this article about Norv Turner.
I have to say, I really feel for the guy after reading this. I've noticed the past year I've been saying "say what you will about Norv, but his record is pretty damn good". Could it be possible I'm starting to like him? He's not an asshole like almost all other football coaches (cough, Rex Ryan), and he has a good rapport with his players. If you're San Diego's GM, would you ever fire someone with 3 division titles and a 3-3 playoff record? His replacement would not do better, at least immediately.
So kudos, Norv. Now you're acceptable at the very least.
- Matt
I have to say, I really feel for the guy after reading this. I've noticed the past year I've been saying "say what you will about Norv, but his record is pretty damn good". Could it be possible I'm starting to like him? He's not an asshole like almost all other football coaches (cough, Rex Ryan), and he has a good rapport with his players. If you're San Diego's GM, would you ever fire someone with 3 division titles and a 3-3 playoff record? His replacement would not do better, at least immediately.
So kudos, Norv. Now you're acceptable at the very least.
- Matt
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Worst Fans of 2009
I hate lists. This is a reason I have little to no respect for Rolling Stone. Don't get me wrong, I like to see which shitty group they're touching themselves over annually. Gratuitous Arcade Fire and Arctic Monkeys are highly overrated comment. But I do like hyperbole, and Best/Worst lists often accomplish it.
I'll do a blurb on the Best Fans too, but I'm a pessimist so let's focus on the negative.
NBA
Worst Fans: ESPN. Seriously, the NBA is a terrible product.
Best Fans: The ones who died in 2009.
MLB
Worst Fans: New York Yankees. There will never be a year they don't win this. And if you think they were bad when their team was semi-likeable, think about how bad they'll be this year.
Best Fans: Orioles. Duh.
Best Fan: Greg Slovin, the only Marlins fan in existence.
NFL
Worst Fans: Pittsburgh Steelers. You've won 2 of the last 4 Super Bowls, amassed a 65-31 record in 6 years, had only three head coaches since the 70s, and won the most Super Bowls of any team EVER... but "what have you done for me lately" is still the prevailing motto of Steeler Nation. Even when the team went 12-4 and won a Super Bowl, fans complained it wasn't as good as the Cowher teams (somehow). Combine that with the most annoying blame game ever played, and you have a team whose fans edge out the Patriots in annoyance.
Best Fans: No such thing as a "best" NFL fan.
MLS
Worst Fans: I have no idea. Let's say New England Revolution. Yeah, why not.
Best Fans: Seattle. Nuff said.
NHL
Worst Fans: Washington Capitals. It takes pure skill to beat out the Flyers any year. But if you look past the extreme fairweather nature, the lack of any semblance of hockey knowledge, the knuckle-dragging mindset, the hero worship of douchebags, the sense of entitlement without ever accomplishing anything of value, and the ADD nature of their arena that appeals to brain-dead children, you still have much to hate. For example: the pacifiers incident, the popularity of the "Crosby Sucks" song (seriously, the Flyers do the Crosby Sucks thing so much better), the organization-wide penis envy of the Penguins (check Ted's blog weekly), the fact the owner talks down to his fans like they're retarded, how the top levels of the organization sells fake tickets to fans of opposing teams, the steroids scandal that's somehow stayed quiet, and my most hated, the COWBELLS. Oh, and how their mongoloid fans slam their hairy palms against the class whenever an opposing player is in remote proximity. In short (too late), this is the worst bunch of mouth-breathing turds in a sport that doesn't need any more reason to be shunned by the national media.
Best Fans: Calgary Flames. Never met one I didn't like. And the C of Red (which predates Rock the Red by decades) is beast.
- Matt
I'll do a blurb on the Best Fans too, but I'm a pessimist so let's focus on the negative.
NBA
Worst Fans: ESPN. Seriously, the NBA is a terrible product.
Best Fans: The ones who died in 2009.
MLB
Worst Fans: New York Yankees. There will never be a year they don't win this. And if you think they were bad when their team was semi-likeable, think about how bad they'll be this year.
Best Fans: Orioles. Duh.
Best Fan: Greg Slovin, the only Marlins fan in existence.
NFL
Worst Fans: Pittsburgh Steelers. You've won 2 of the last 4 Super Bowls, amassed a 65-31 record in 6 years, had only three head coaches since the 70s, and won the most Super Bowls of any team EVER... but "what have you done for me lately" is still the prevailing motto of Steeler Nation. Even when the team went 12-4 and won a Super Bowl, fans complained it wasn't as good as the Cowher teams (somehow). Combine that with the most annoying blame game ever played, and you have a team whose fans edge out the Patriots in annoyance.
Best Fans: No such thing as a "best" NFL fan.
MLS
Worst Fans: I have no idea. Let's say New England Revolution. Yeah, why not.
Best Fans: Seattle. Nuff said.
NHL
Worst Fans: Washington Capitals. It takes pure skill to beat out the Flyers any year. But if you look past the extreme fairweather nature, the lack of any semblance of hockey knowledge, the knuckle-dragging mindset, the hero worship of douchebags, the sense of entitlement without ever accomplishing anything of value, and the ADD nature of their arena that appeals to brain-dead children, you still have much to hate. For example: the pacifiers incident, the popularity of the "Crosby Sucks" song (seriously, the Flyers do the Crosby Sucks thing so much better), the organization-wide penis envy of the Penguins (check Ted's blog weekly), the fact the owner talks down to his fans like they're retarded, how the top levels of the organization sells fake tickets to fans of opposing teams, the steroids scandal that's somehow stayed quiet, and my most hated, the COWBELLS. Oh, and how their mongoloid fans slam their hairy palms against the class whenever an opposing player is in remote proximity. In short (too late), this is the worst bunch of mouth-breathing turds in a sport that doesn't need any more reason to be shunned by the national media.
Best Fans: Calgary Flames. Never met one I didn't like. And the C of Red (which predates Rock the Red by decades) is beast.
- Matt
Monday, January 4, 2010
Oh the Hilarity
Now's a good time to look back on our playoff predictions and realize why we suck. Though to be fair, who saw Cincinnati coming?
Will said:
AFC - 1. NE 2. PIT 3. SD 4. TEN 5. IND 6. BAL
NFC - 1. NO 2. GB 3. SEA 4. NYG 5. ATL 6. SF
Super Bowl - Steelers over Packers
2 correct division winners, 1 correct seed in the AFC. 2 correct playoff teams, 1 correct seed in the NFC. And I doubt Pittsburgh can win the Super Bowl.
Matt said:
AFC - 1. NE 2. PIT 3. SD 4. IND 5. BAL 6. TEN
NFC - 1. SEA 2. ATL 3. MIN 4. NYG 5. PHI 6. GB
Super Bowl - Chargers over whoever
When I said "Playoff predictions at this point would be just stupid", I proved prophetic. I got 4/6 correct in the AFC, but none of the seeding. In the NFC, the two teams with first round byes at least won't be playing this weekend, so I guess I knew that in advance. Only one division winner, but I correctly guessed the two wild cards somehow. Oh, and no correct seeds there either. Surprisingly, my arbitrary Super Bowl pick is looking to be in better shape than anyone thought in Week 1.
In short, never bet on Seattle.
- Matt
Will said:
AFC - 1. NE 2. PIT 3. SD 4. TEN 5. IND 6. BAL
NFC - 1. NO 2. GB 3. SEA 4. NYG 5. ATL 6. SF
Super Bowl - Steelers over Packers
2 correct division winners, 1 correct seed in the AFC. 2 correct playoff teams, 1 correct seed in the NFC. And I doubt Pittsburgh can win the Super Bowl.
Matt said:
AFC - 1. NE 2. PIT 3. SD 4. IND 5. BAL 6. TEN
NFC - 1. SEA 2. ATL 3. MIN 4. NYG 5. PHI 6. GB
Super Bowl - Chargers over whoever
When I said "Playoff predictions at this point would be just stupid", I proved prophetic. I got 4/6 correct in the AFC, but none of the seeding. In the NFC, the two teams with first round byes at least won't be playing this weekend, so I guess I knew that in advance. Only one division winner, but I correctly guessed the two wild cards somehow. Oh, and no correct seeds there either. Surprisingly, my arbitrary Super Bowl pick is looking to be in better shape than anyone thought in Week 1.
In short, never bet on Seattle.
- Matt
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