Wild Card Preview

It's time. But I don't really care all that much, so in the spirit of the Deadspin Jamboroo, if I don't care about a game, I'll go off on a random tangent.

Jets at Bengals

Is football where all the fat asshole shitstains of the world get jobs? I only ask because Rex Ryan is a fucking douche. And he weighs like 800 pounds. I was raised in a fairly progressive household, and I'd like to consider myself free of racism and other prejudice. But obese people piss me right the fuck off. My brother told me that the history channel (which should be renamed the Bible Channel) showed scientists tying "gluttony" to neurological disorders. You know what? I'll take it a step further. Obese people are not only insane, they're dangerous. If they become the next scapegoat in this country, I'm way on board for that. Consider me on the fat-hater bandwagon.

Note: Birdmen does not endorse the harming or killing of morbidly obese people. Let them kill themselves.

Prediction: Jets 27, Bengals 17


Eagles at Cowboys

This is the most interesting game this weekend. This means two things: one, football is pretty unexciting. Two, I have no idea what to expect from this game. I say interesting, not good, for a reason. With the kind of unpredictable game I'm expecting, one team usually embarasses the other and makes it unwatchable by the second quarter. I can't think of any recent offenders, but I know the difference between "good" and "interesting" enough to say this game is going to be unwatchable by the second half. I'm picking a blowout, and I assume Will is too, since he picked DAL DAL U.

Prediction: Eagles 172, Cowboys 4


Ravens at Patriots

This game could go either way. The Ravens just haven't looked very good this year. Neither have the Patriots. If this were college football, it would be called the Earning the Privelege to Get Raped in Round Two Bowl. The Chargers could feasibly triple the Patriots' score. The Colts are just way too strong for anything the Ravens can muster. And they have Stover. Does it really matter who wins this game?

Now watch the winner get to the Super Bowl.

Prediction: Ravens 23, Patriots 21


Packers at Cardinals

While watching King of the Hill on Adult Swim last night, there were a few promos for the next Family Guy episode to premiere on the station. As an avid fan of the series' beginning, I feel like I have to ask, "what the hell happened to this show?" Part of me feels success has spoiled it, making everyone who works on it lazy because they've found a working formula. But I have a better idea: Seth Macfarlane is the most egotistical man in the TV business. Every episode, other characters are constantly telling Brian (who's essentially Seth) how good his voice is. This seems to be a matter of insecurity for him, even though he does have a good voice.

He also seems to revel in putting down his coworkers' other projects, as if to assert some sort of alpha-dog dominance on the cast. The last straw for me was the live singing performance with Alex Borstein that came out a few months ago. Hey, guys. The reason you're on an ANIMATED show is because you have faces/bodies for radio. If I want to see ugly, fat people showboating for inexplicably slavish fans, I'll watch football.

Speaking of which, Green Bay is almost too chic a pick right now. Bed-shitting remains a strong possibility this weekend, but I doubt it.

Prediction: Green Bay 34, Arizona 23


Bonus Prediction: Tom Brady is knocked out of the game against Baltimore at some point.

- Matt