NFL Power Rankings why not

Since we're basically halfway through the season, I figured it was time for some useless power ranking crap. I decided to spice things up by drawing inspiration from half the advertisements blaring during the millions of commercial breaks. No, not boner pills. Beer.

Gulden Drak

1. New Orleans Saints
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. Pittsburgh Steelers

The beer named above is strong in flavor and alcohol content, as well as expensive. The Steelers are typically at the top of the league in dolla dolla bill spent. But given the consistency and winning ability despite poor showings from all three teams, you can bet for certain at least one of these will appear in their conference championship, if not the Super Bowl.

Penn Oktoberfest

4. Minnesota Vikings
5. Cincinnati Bengals
6. Dallas Cowboys

My personal favorite beer, which I can't get enough of. By contrast, I'm sick to death of hearing about the above three teams. But you can't deny their smooth execution and strong finishing power, and all currently lead their divisions. Will they last deep into the playoffs? I hope they don't make it out of Dekember (hahahahahahahahaha fuck you).

Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA

7. New England Patriots
8. Denver Broncos
9. San Diego Chargers
10. Houston Texans
11. Philadelphia Eagles

It'll get you very, very drunk. Accepting New England as a contender again is difficult for me to swallow, like a gulp of this beer. And if any of the non-Chargers teams were to even make it to the Super Bowl, I'd need to be wasted to watch it. In the end, this is a list of polarizing teams, just as DFH is a polarizing beer.

Yuengling Lager

12. Atlanta Falcons
13. Arizona Cardinals
14. New York Giants
15. Baltimore Ravens

Great beer for the buck, and nice aftertaste, but it does get tired after a case. All 4 teams have shown maddening inconsistency this season, and I wouldn't pick them while better teams/beers are available. But as the season progresses, you'll find it's hard to talk about the playoffs without including at least 3 of the above in the hunt. My money goes with ATL, ARI and BAL.

National Bohemian

16. Chicago Bears
17. Jacksonville Jaguars
18. New York Jets
19. Miami Dolphins
20. Buffalo Bills
21. Green Bay Packers
22. Carolina Panthers

Surprised I didn't put Baltimore in this category? It took a lot of resistance on my part. In the end, you get more than you paid for, but the result is still cheap. These teams don't have much hope of the playoffs, but given the weakness of the "6th spot" race this year, I can see some of them sneaking in. Don't give up yet, Brett!

Miller Lite

23. San Francisco 49ers
24. Oakland Raiders
25. Tennessee Titans
26. Seattle Seahawks

If it looks like urine, tastes like urine, and smells like urine... In all seriousness, we're reaching the bottom of the cooler. Everyone here is capable of hanging with the above teams/beers, at least until you regain your senses.

Coor's

27. Kansas City Chiefs
28. St. Louis Rams
29. Detroit Lions
30. Washington Redskins
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Coor's is a terrible beer with good PR. These are terrible teams from top to bottom, though. Can you even see any of them being decent in the next few years? Maybe KC and Tampa. I've already written too much about these jokes.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

32. Cleveland Browns

It takes real, true suck to be compared to PBR. But over a 17 game span, the Browns (appropriately named) are 2-0 against Buffalo, 0-15 against EVERYONE ELSE. Besides the Bills fans who probably want to die when they hear that, that's just completely insulting to the league. Cleveland can't hang with anyone on a good week. If they finish with 2 wins, I will be truly shocked. What a waste of money.

If you don't like the rankings, whatever. Comments it up.

- Matt