Opening Day vs. Yankees

A lot has been made of this game. Teixiera returning to Baltimore as a hated figure. Sabathia getting way too much money. A Rod likes men. New Orioles all over the place. Take any main storyline you like. But here's a real one:

Sabathia shit the bed, and badly. Jones and Roberts carried the team in a big way. And the O's pitchers were just good enough to get the win.

Top 1st

Guts out for the O's. He had a billion ERA during Spring Training and the WBC. If you want real numbers, ask your grandmother.

Jeter ruins Guthrie's no-hitter. Yawn. His injured boyfriend must be pleased.

BOOOOOO! You can always count on BMore to bring the hate. I love it.

YEAAAAAAAAH! Tex sees a $20 bill on the ball and pops it up, hoping to knock the money off. No chance.

Bottom 1st

B Rob and Mr. Jones get on base. Honeybear can't take advantage. Melmo swings at ball 4, and B Rob is out at the plate as a result. Somehow B Rob saves 3 lives in the process, simply because he rules. Gary Thorne is bitter about the tag.

Balls.

Top 2nd

Posada bwuises his widdle toe and goes to first. Guts gets some outs. Whatever.

Bottom 2nd

LUUUUUUKE! Did someone yell "fail" on strike 2? Douche.

Sabathia eats a Happy Meal and retires the side.

Top 3rd

Luke Scott throws a single to left into orbit. Huff commands it into his glove. Damon hits a ballsac fly and the Yankees take the lead. 1-0 New York.

Traitor up to bat. The boos cascade. Then wild cheers when he fails to Guthrie. Some shit happens, A Rod touches himself or a little boy, inning over.

Bottom 3rd

Izzy lets loose and gets a single. Where was Teixiera? Sabathia is caught singing "five dollar footlong" to himself and Izturis steals second. Wooo.

B Rob walks, maintaining his perfect season. Mr. Jones sleeps with Sabathia's fat mother and knocks the ball to the deep corner. Izzy and B Rob score, Mr. Jones gets to third base, but out of the bedroom this time. 2-1 O's, sluts.

Honeybear gets it done seconds later. Mr. Jones runs in, 3-1 O's.

Melmo and Huffrey end the inning. It's good anyway.

Top 4th

I'm confused. Sheila Dixon has a heavy New York accent? Bizarre.

Guts flexes his nuts and gets 3 outs. Meh.

Bottom 4th

Wiggity Wack (name pending) gets his first hit as an Oriole.

Scotty doesn't know... how to strike out. Walk city. Looks promising.

Wait. The home plate umpire's name is Randy Marsh? You know what that makes me think of...

[FF to 9:20]

Wiggity tags to third, and Izzy steps up 2 tha streets. This should be-

Barf. Double play... inning over.

Top 5th

Joe Biden contributes to a surreal split screen. What the ass is Biden talking about? Does he look like Bill Maher or is it just me?

Before you know it, some dick gets a triple. Guts is distracted by politicsblog and walks General Benedict. Melmo smiles and the world of some douche ends, as does the inning.

Bottom 5th

B Rob puts the world on his shoulders and hits a ground rule double. Mr. Jones stares down the third baseman and gets a single.

Unreal pic of Markakis as an incredibly orange child. Kakes gets a puny infield hit, key word is hit. Jeter and Mayor McCheese are stunned. 4-1 O's.

Melmo loads the bases. Huffrey up, gets out but also an RBI. 5-1 O's. Intentional walk for Wiggity.

Luuuuuuuke draws a nice walk from an 0-2 hole and gets an inadvertent RBI. 6-1 O's. Sabathia:

4.1 IP, 6 ER, 0 K. The REAL #52:



Not impressed.

Rest of inning's whatever, already up by 5.

Top 6th

Before you can finish cupping your balls, Posada hits a home run. 6-2 O's.

Some joke gets on, and Janie Damon knocks a double... into a fan's hand. No interference, why? 6-3 O's.

Guts recovers though and gets the quality start, as well as a piece of the Aggro Crag.

Middle 6th

O's are 29-14 on Opening Day since 1966. Holy shit.

Also, what was Nady thinking on out 3? That was retarded.

Bottom 6th

Blah.

Top 7th

Jim Palmer has a good feeling about Ray. If you're saying "oh shit" to yourself, you're not alone.

Instant hit. BOOOOOO up to bat. Izzy makes the crowd happy. How solid has Izturis been defensively so far? What a pickup.

And suddenly Matsui makes it 6-5. Jesus balls.

Another hit, Ray yanked. Johnny Walker Orange label to pitch.

Except just kidding. Sarfate time. Mora makes a nice play and suddenly the inning's over.

7th Inning Stretch



Bottom 7th

Roch from the Sun gets interviewed. Female Reporter calls him out on his bad jokes. Gary and Jim agree. You leave to take a piss, and... inning over.

Top 8th

Nick Swisher apparently still plays baseball. According to Gary Thorne, he "celebates", which I'm sure is accurate, because none of the Yankees have ever laid a woman.

Dude on 3rd with one out. Bad news, except Jimmy Johnson cock punches Jeter. Great job by Zaun protecting the plate.

BOOOOOOO! Roberts shows him what a real O's fan would do: ruin the Yankees' lives. In the process, he cures cancer. What a human.

Bottom 8th

Luuuuuuuuke leads off. While he's making dirty calls to Jeter's mother, he strikes out. Gregggggg Zaun doubles for his first hit of the season.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. How goddamn ironic is this?!? Izzy hits the ball to deep left. Fan interference for a home run NOT SEEN BY THE UMPS. I HAVE to check Yankee message boards for their tears later. Words cannot express how this makes me feel. dljghfslkjbfbb ebhfjb. 8-5 O's.

B Rob grounds out. Damon is crying. Mr. Jones spends 2 hours on an at bat and draws a nice walk. You consider buying a Jones jersey.

Kakes gets a nice 2-out single. Wild pitch and the force out is gone like Britney Spears' virginity at age 13.

Bases loaded. Huffrey at bat. Clean double and suddenly it's 10-5 O's. Consider the cushion restored.

The Yankees give up and pitch to Wigginton for some reason. Out anyway.

Top 9th

George Sherill comes out and pees on the Yankees. Game.

Game Notes

* Teixiera was clearly affected by the booing. 0 for 4 and out of position for an Izzy hit.

* Player of the game: Adam Fucking Jones. 3 for 3, 2 BB, Beast.

* Did Jeter play?

* BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* B Rob saves.

Aftermath

Check out this crybaby:


[Fox Sports]

Waaaaaaaah everyone should like the Yankees. He even has a poll asking why people like to boo the Yankees. Here's an idea:

You're arrogant fucktards who make Godfather-esque offers to players and can somehow afford to overpay every player on your roster. You're a symbol of all that's wrong with the sport, and your fans are pissants to boot. Get real.

And yesterday's game resembling the recession and the country as a whole? Get over yourself, it's fucking sports. Jesus. I can only imagine how bad the YES announcers were...

Go O's. AL East leaders.

- Matt